I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
