If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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