I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
