Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
