So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
