So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So much rum. So many feels.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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