I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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