Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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