ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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