Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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