He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
