Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
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Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
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Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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