I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
