life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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