It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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