I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
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I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
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I need to sanitize my soul.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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