"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
