I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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