I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
