I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
