theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i barfeds in our rink
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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