If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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