we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
