i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
