Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my phone needs a breathalizer
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
