I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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