Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
