I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
