My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
