since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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