you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
