Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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