i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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