he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
