I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
