Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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