My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
