Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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