I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
