I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
