Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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