I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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