Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
