Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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