Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
