your thong is hanging out like whoa
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
