I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
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you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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