Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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