I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
