this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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