I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
