Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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