her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
