Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
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She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
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with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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