he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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