You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
