Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
