i wish my penis had a tongue
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
