my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
